A Letter To My Friend In Heaven

It’s been just 11 days...

I know you’re probably rolling your eyes up there, watching me bawl out here today and umm, on most days.

But I know that after a brief amount of muttering, you’d be the first from my set of guardian angels to help me.

I somehow can picture you saying, “Pehle Kyun Nahi Baat Kiya?”, and me saying, “arrey yaar busy thi”, and you sigh.

I know you would be saying, “break lena bhi important hain”.

It’s your demise that stopped me from functioning normally for a few days, pretty much stopped everything I might have been thinking.

But it’s our happy memories together as close friends that have helped me bounce back.

I remember how we would coordinate in cheering up our mutually favorite person in college.

How we’d discuss her birthday presents, the days she’d have a fever, or how she’d be managing stressful situations.

I still remember the day you told me you liked her over ice cream and the very next day, she admitted it too in the exact same fashion, over lunch.

Just like how you would, even if we had a different point of view on films, group assignments, on small arguments we had within our group and so many more instances.

I remember you being so annoyingly positive, so positive, it did feel that you were competing with Jesus on a few occasions.

I know on most days, you would be given the task by the group, to come and ask — “kya huwa, mood kyun off hain”.

Sometimes, I rationally explain to myself now that lack of contact may not have been a major role.

But, I can still subconsciously feel that maybe I could have made, and if not made, then atleast added to a difference.

A difference that could have saved a life. It shall remain as my biggest regret.

I wish I didn’t let certain events determine our equation in the end.

In the aim of trying to help in preserving the peace and mental harmony of one friend, I lost the other.

That regret will, unfortunately, remain for a lifetime, but even in your death, you’ve made sure that I learn something.

That life waits for no one, keeping to oneself may not always help and that communication is the key.

You made sure that I know that forgiveness has a lot of power and being kind, doesn’t necessarily make you weak.

I just didn’t expect that I would learn and try to be better with this event.

This was a very cruel lesson and I genuinely pray no one has to face this.

I do feel worse on some days seeing our friends and your friends, their state because they did do their best to help you.

But you had to go, maybe I don’t know, you thought that the option was best for you and now, letting you go is the best that I can do.

I wish I was there to help you find better options, there’s…uh, no excuse here.

But I’m not going to let go of your memory.

I will keep bugging you because I will keep thinking about you.

I’m apologizing beforehand for the hiccups you might have come for you.

I’m also really, really mad at you because there were a lot of scopes left for joint birthday parties.

Now, my pocket’s gonna get all empty and I can almost hear you laughing.

But don’t worry, we got this. I got this.

You stay peaceful, as I hope you’re in your happy place with your mother now.

You rest in peace now.

I love you,

Your friend,
H.